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The Youth Group vs. the Family --- Minding the Gap

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By Deek Dubberly
9/12/2008

Unfortunately, more often than not there is a gap that exists between the life of a youth ministry and the life of the youth family. Familiar with that gap? Let me present you with two of the more common problems that families run into when it comes to the relationship between their church’s youth ministry program and their youth.

First, there is the classic lack of communication

The most important thing is that you be a youth minister that does youth ministry with the families of your youth in mind. The life of a youth's family needs to be a major factor and consideration in nearly everything we do.

Symptoms include: not knowing what’s going on, not knowing when things are happening, unaware of who’s in charge, or which adults will be working with or chaperoning your teenager, etc. This, no doubt, can be a very discouraging problem.

Second – another time-tested classic – the problem of competition. Oftentimes, families feel like their church’s youth program is competing against them for quality time with their youth. Usually, this is caused when youth don’t want to hang out with their families because they want to go and do something with the youth group.

This problem has two primary causes, an avoidable one and an unavoidable one. The unavoidable cause is that the youth group can be a very fun thing to be involved in. No need to apologize for that. It’s actually a really good thing for youth to want to participate in youth group activities.

The avoidable cause is when youth pastors manipulate youth by attaching “spiritual” qualities to youth events that aren’t necessarily spiritual—like a video scavenger hunt, for example. We may indirectly tell our students to “live for Jesus” by going to a video scavenger hunt. That’s not the right approach. When a family needs to spend quality time together, then by all means, spend that time together—even if it means that your youth will have to miss a youth activity.

If, however, the activity in question is something like a Bible study or a small group or some opportunity for ministry, then there really is a spiritual quality attached to it. In this case, parents should probably use more discretion when deciding not to allow their students to attend.

Either way, when it comes to the youth group vs. the family, the family should win every time because the family (and not the youth group) is the God-ordained institution responsible for bringing up youth in the fear and admonition of the Lord. The youth group, on the other hand, is simply here to help.

So what’s the answer to these and other related problems? A successful parent ministry! Parents need to know that you care about their families – the whole family, not just the youth. When they see that you care enough about their family to include them in the loop that is your youth ministry, that’s when you’ve got a successful parent ministry.

How does this happen? First off, you need some sort of parent newsletter, or bulletin board, or email chain, or something that serves as the common denominator of communication between the youth group and the youth family. It needs to be something consistent, something that the families can count. And more than anything else, it needs to include a monthly calendar of planned events, activities, and services.

Secondly, you need to understand and convey to your youth families that the biblical portrait of discipleship takes place primarily within the home – not the fancy, high-tech, high-energy youth room. When parents hear you say this and mean it they will be surprised. Trust me. I remember the first time I had a conversation with a parent about the fact that it was totally fine that their son was going to miss a lock-in because their family was going camping for the holiday weekend. I said that it was great that they were spending time together. He looked at me like a deer staring into an oncoming car’s headlights. His response – besides being flabbergasted – was pure appreciation.

These are just a couple of tips on parent ministry. The most important thing is that you be a youth minister that does youth ministry with the youth families in mind. The life of a youth's family needs to be a major factor and consideration in nearly everything we do.

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I really think pulling kids out of a youth ministry should happen as a last resort. Family time is important, but so is hanging out, even at non-spiritual activities, with other students who love God. It's hard enough for teenager to stand firm in school and around their peers. Allowing them time around other students who are fighting the same battles strengthens them and gives them the confidence to stand up for their faith. Family time is SO important and most do NOT have enough. I just don't think it should have to be a one or the other thing.

Melissa Terebessy 11:11:09am on 11/24/2009

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I was with a dear friend recently, a real pro in youth ministry, and she said something fascinating: "Now that I have a kid in the youth group, I see things a whole different way...Send my kid to you on Sunday nights? No way, I want to have a little time with them at home." She laughed. Youth Ministry that respects families can be tough sledding (and can ding our egos sometimes). At the same time, I'm so grateful that my kids had more than just their family--I'm mighty glad they had a youth ministry embedded in a broader church family.

Mark DeVries 12:09:55pm on 9/25/2008

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Great question sell. I would love to see one of the people pictured on the front page of this website answer that. (That's not mocking - I'm crazy serious about that!) Same thing happens to me and I have no idea if that's even right or wrong?

Tim 1:09:56pm on 9/23/2008

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So when you're running a youth worship service, and a family pulls their kids from it so that they can worship as a family, where does that fall? Obviously there is a spiritual value to the program, so its not a no-brainer. But we are being more than a program, we are being the church (just within a bigger church). Should families worship together, in the corporate-worship sense? I do not want to conquer the family, but I do want to help teens discover God. We are glad to send out the children to kids church, but reluctant to send out the teens. Is this a battle to fight?

sell 10:09:08am on 9/23/2008

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I agree that this is the absolute best way to think about youth ministry. It's a lot easier said than done, however. Especially since much of the core problem is that many of the parents that you want included in the lives of their children are the ones who's mind has to be changed in this respect.

Skwirl 12:09:02pm on 9/18/2008

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This is an awesome article. It sheds light on one of the most confronted problems in youth ministry. And one of the best ways to see that families are getting involved is face to face conversation with the parents as Deek has done. So, I am finding more and more importance in visiting the homes of the youth, and speaking with their caretakers.

Andrew Williams 11:09:54pm on 9/16/2008

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