Choices: When Youth Workers Put Their Kids First

We’ve all heard the jokes and stereotypes about the problem kids in church—their parents are pastors and elders—so whenever I meet a pastor’s kid I actually want to be around, I ask their perspective on growing up in the church.

Last year was the first time I became my daughter’s youth pastor. It was amazing and awkward at the same time. I caught myself choosing my words carefully when teaching on love, sex, and dating, while at the same time beaming with pride as she wrestled with biblical truths and sought to put them in action.

I recently stumbled upon another pastor’s kid who impressed me in numerous ways. We dialogued on the pros/cons of life in the fishbowl, but she continued to bring it back to the healthy relationship she had with her dad...formerly her youth pastor who now serves as the church’s senior pastor. I had a chance to talk with this pastor/dad and believe his insights are worth sharing:

--“I always prayed faithfully for my children. When they were young, I would go in their bedrooms and kneel at the beds to pray for them. I prayed for their faith, character, future spouse, service to God, spiritual passion and protection from sin.”

--“I dedicated myself to helping them build a discerning mind. We used to read books together, watch movies/TV and listen to music and talk about the morality or ideas represented there. We talked about the values, choices, ethics, spiritual truths or worldview presented and how it correlated to our faith.”

--“I determined that church would be good. We didn't go and participate because I was the pastor but because that was a family priority. Our faith was a part of our life regardless of what I did for a job. I used to bring them to youth ministry events to witness my world. From a young age, the teens and leaders in the ministry were like extended family. We went to sporting events, birthday parties, family events together as a family.”

--“I used to talk about how God was working in and through the youth ministry to change people's lives. I wanted them to see that the sacrifices we made as a family (lower income, busy schedule, etc.) were making a difference in people's lives.”

--“I also determined that my children wouldn't have to sin or struggle to get my attention. Too often, our children feel that they need to have problems to get Dad's attention. We would go out to breakfast together, watch a movie, spend time. I did things they liked: LEGOs, superhero toys, reading children's books. I wanted them to know that they were interesting and loved. As they grew, our interests grew together.”

--“I committed to telling them daily that I loved them. I told them whenever I left the house or tucked them into bed. If I wanted them to believe that God loved them, they needed to know that I did.”

--“I wanted my daughter to know that she was loved for who she was. I'm conscious that teenage girls face a lot of pressure to be acceptable by society's standards. I complimented her appearance, praised her achievements and pointed out her strengths. When she sinned, I told her I had to discipline her but that didn't change my love for her.”

--“I used to write her letters. For the most part, I didn't even know if she read them. It wasn't till years later that talked about how important those were to her.”

--“In short, I wanted to be my children's biggest fans. I wanted to provide honest feedback in a secure relationship of love. I wanted her to know that I wouldn't leave her. I wanted her to know that I was behind her a hundred percent, prayed for her faithfully.”

There’s no formula for parenting. You may be the parent of a prodigal child, despite your best efforts and faithful prayers. But these insights ring true with my own limited experience, and they’re practiced by other moms and dads in ministry with grown children who love Jesus. Regardless of your strategy, one thing is clear: our calling in ministry should never supersede our calling as parents.