How to Be Your Own Kid’s Youth Leader

“Mom,” my 13-year old daughter announced with a straight face, “some of the kids in group really think you’re cool.” I bit my tongue from asking, “You’re just now finding out?” My newly minted youth groupie heard my stifled snort and reiterated her newsflash, thinking I was shocked, since my cool rating as a mother wasn’t exactly up there in her book. That didn’t happen until high school.

When my son graduated into our youth ministry, one of his mentors, Jeremy Diaz observed, “Youth group creates an environment where parents and their children can connect spiritually without any awkwardness, which is hard to re-create even at home.” I agree, but both student and parent have to agree on some things.

Here are a few boundaries that may or may not fit every family, but ones I’m glad I set when I was a volunteer leader in my kids’ youth group. They kept me from over-competing between the dual roles of parent and youth worker.

• Before each of their first weeks in our youth ministry, I told them: “I won’t embarrass you in front of your friends if you don’t embarrass me in front of mine. But, if you disrespect me in front of other kids, all bets are off.” You may not have to go all Godfather on your kids, but this paid off in mutual respect with mine.
• I didn’t attend their small groups. Only when my daughter asked to be in mine, was I her small group leader. Even then, I respected her opinions and individuality, and didn’t mother her. I made a risky but important deal with my kids’ key leaders, as one mom did with me when I was her daughter’s youth leader: (My kids knew about this, I might add.) “I want my son/daughter to feel free to share anything with you, even negative things about our relationship or their spiritual struggles. But they need to know that I’m not going to ask and you aren’t going to tell me what they share.”
• When my teenagers responded to God during prayer times, I didn’t creep in on their vulnerability. On occasion I might ask permission to pray with them, but only when I sensed that would feel good to them as well.
• A minor but practical rule: “No caffeine at youth group while you’re in middle school.” Think about jr. high kids who don’t land after they start bouncing off the wall. Point made.

Our flawed but fun family has days of...um, intense fellowship, but I can honestly say I absolutely loved being my kids youth leader. They both read this article and agreed.