how to have difficult conversations with parents (part 1)
No one looks forward to rough conversations...well, a few probably do, but they are usually difficult people themselves (and probably don’t belong serving in youth ministry). If you haven’t experienced it already, the time will come when you will need to have a difficult conversation with a parent. Maybe you’ve experienced one of these situations:
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> a parent continually picks up their kid late from youth ministry events
> their kid is a severe discipline problem that needs to be addressed
> a parent hangs around a youth ministry program too much (without being a ministry leader)
> a student is a danger to him/herself or others
>a parent is too critical (and gossipy) about the ministry
There are dozens of different scenarios that may trigger the need for a tough conversation. Some situations will be really uncomfortable while others will be cataclysmic. Here are a few basic “do’s and don’ts” to consider before you enter into a confrontation with a parent:
DON’T LET THE DIFFICULT CONVERSATION BE YOUR FIRST CONVERSATION
A healthy youth ministry will make it a priority to build positive relationships with parents. This is a tough task when the first time a parent hears from you is during a confrontation. Make the effort to create connection with parents. Even if the connection is superficial, it’s still better than beginning a relationship with a difficult conversation. Work to keep your parents informed, get to know a little bit about them, make yourself available to answer questions, and affirm their son/daughter when you talk with them. Your primary job description may be to teenagers, and usually where most youth workers invest their relationship “capital”, but a ministry to parents is essential. Be sure to save some of that relational capital for parents.
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Organize, plan and deliver ALL of your small group lessons online.
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DO BE SELF-CONTROLLED
Difficult conversations require a high degree of control. When passions are running high, words can easily become careless. Hurtful words are like atomic bombs and require a messy clean up system and usually result in a horrific, lasting memory. You don’t want to go there. If you are facing a situation that makes you angry, wait for the conversation until you can gather yourself and your emotions. If a situation makes you sad, wait until you can be (genuinely) hopeful before talking with the parent. The positive element about tough conversations is that good things can result from them and being under control helps ensure a positive outcome.
Conversation
Hello and thanks for all of
Hello and thanks for all of the great advice. I do have a highschool student that has become quite the challenge in our youth room. She is a constant complainer and it has started to affect other students as well. The real problem is her mother seems to be leading the band wagon in this matter. Our student is so negative about everything and seems to be able to only focus on negative things. Her mother is the exact same and seems to support this behaviour. The student is very disruptive in our room while the teaching is going on and we are at a point where we will remove her the room if this continues. One of our adult leaders asked her repeatedly to be quiet during one of our services and she just did not seem to get it. I know talking to her parents will be the challenge and her as well. What steps do you take when dealing with an unruley student and how would you address a parent who seems to share the same attitude as the student?
Look forward to the responses,
A Concerned Youth Worker
PS I have been a parent for the last twenty years.
I just wanted to say thanks
I just wanted to say thanks for the newsletter this week. It came with perfect timing (as many of your newsletters have). I have a difficult conversation coming up that involves a lot of criticism of how I've been leading the youth ministry and honestly I feel pretty hopeless about it. But I can see the positivity of your advice and I'm going to apply them and do my best to move forward.
Thanks again you guys. I appreciate your wisdom and for sharing it.
Have any of you ever had the
Have any of you ever had the knowledge that where the kid got some porn was the Dad? I mean, this one Dad was a pretty exemplary person, in most ways. This was a deep, dark secret. But once I realized, it was too hot to talk about much with the student; and when bringing up the topic with the Dad in a very generic way, he said he realized that it was a problem..."for students." I got it; he felt it was ok for him. I was stunned, and it didn't seem the venue to go any deeper.
Has anyone had this situation?
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