Spiritual Maturity: A Note to Parents
[Part 1 of a 4-part series]
Hi, my name is Gregg, and I may no longer be popular. This is one of those notes that has needed to be written for a long time. I’m certain I will infuriate some, offend several and, hopefully, motivate a few. But I’ve got to address parenting and priorities. I’m writing with the hope that this will provide talking points around the dinner table and action steps in family’s lives.
I’ve listened to parents lament that their child does not feel part of their youth group, and I’ve consoled parents when their college freshmen have made unhealthy choices. But many of those outcomes stem from what I believe are misplaced priorities.
Our church recently had a junior high retreat, an event in which I highly encouraged parents to register their child. Yet, these are some of the reasons parents shared as to why their child would not participate:
- He has a marching band competition that he can't miss.
- She can’t go because she has a soccer game.
- He has three things on his busy schedule that can't be rescheduled.
- She has to meet with her tutor to prep for a test.
- School commitments take up so much of his time.
All of the above are excellent activities and, honestly, reasonable explanations for why their child would not attend. I’m not criticizing the excuses, nor am I isolating the activities. What concerns me is that parents often fail to lead their children with the end goal in mind. Parents claim to have goals for their children, but I fear they aren't the best goals.
I have three children, two of them teenagers, and I want them to be physically fit, adept in social settings, achieve all they can academically, and plenty of other laudable goals. But my greatest desire, my biggest prayer, is that they would be spiritually mature. In fact, I am willing to sacrifice their education, their chair in the orchestra, or time on the playing field for them to walk out of my home and into the world prepared to succeed as best as possible.
Some might retort, “My child needs to do well in school or athletics in order to get into a top college. That has to take priority.” Again, hear my heart, I agree that is a valuable priority, but even if your son or daughter gets a full scholarship, unless he or she has the skills and knowledge necessary to overcome peer and intellectual pressure, that scholarship may end up being withdrawn or traded for unhealthy lifestyle choices. I’m all for education, but not at the expense of my children’s mental, emotional, or spiritual health.
I think the reason I haven't addressed this in the past is because it only affected me as a youth worker. While I believed the same things years ago, I feel them so much more because I am a parent who often fails to have the end goal in mind. I'm a parent who wrestles with priorities, and whether or not my children can skip church this week or next. I recognize now, more than ever, that the sand in my “kids at home” hourglass is all too quickly running out. I feel the pressure to do everything perfectly so that my kids don’t end up as statistics, don’t get hurt by their choices, and don’t miss out on all God has for them. Of course, perfect parenting is foolish. It’s both a heavy burden and an impossible aspiration. So I don’t strive for perfection, but the cry of my heart is that I make a right decision...today. And maybe another one tomorrow. How about a few next week?
Of course, sprinkled within and around those good parenting choices are plenty of horrible ones. But I'm looking to the future, praying for help, and seeking to connect with my kids today. And sometimes it means my kids miss a soccer game or don’t get to attend their play practice because I want them to attend a church event to further mold and develop their spiritual hearts. May God help us all as we parent.
To be continued....
Talk About It As a Family
- What goals does our family have for the health of the kids?
- Is it ever OK for an activity or goal to take the place of church or youth group? When?
- What are 1-2 things we can do as a family this week to help us connect with one another and with God?
Conversation
I wonder if we looked at the
I wonder if we looked at the connectedness of adults in the home with the church, if we would see youth who stay connected and come to events are the same who have connected parents. I think modeling is crucial and we don't teach parents that very well.
I've raised two daughters in the church. One is in college the other a senior in high school. Both of them missed a number of youth events because of school or other activities. However, they also were both involved in mission work, serving in the faith community, and serving in the community. Will their faith stick? Of course that remains to be seen.
But I think you might be missing something here and maybe it isn't what you mean, but it kind of sounds like your main goal of faith is to make your kids into "good" people. And while I agree we want our kids to make good choices when they leave our home. But I think the real goal is for them to trust in the Lord with all their heart, to seek justice, love mercy and walk humbly with God. Frankly they, like we, will mess up. But will they come running back into the arms of God Almighty, or will they be afraid that they don't measure up to their "religion"?
My high school daughter says we need to not "make" youth go. We have to make it something where they want to be there. I know that's a steep order for youth workers. But here is what else I learned from her. What has formed is the Holy Spirit through opportunities she has had to mentor faith in younger people, the opportunities to exercise her faith in missions that stretched her, and in the relationships she formed doing this. Also crucial to her was her small group with NON-PARENT adults who lived faith authentically before her. She also emphasized to me consistency, our consistency of connectedness to people in our faith community and how we practiced faith in our home.
I wonder if we looked at the
I wonder if we looked at the connectedness of adults in the home with the church, if we would see youth who stay connected and come to events are the same who have connected parents. I think modeling is crucial and we don't teach parents that very well.
I've raised two daughters in the church. One is in college the other a senior in high school. Both of them missed a number of youth events because of school or other activities. However, they also were both involved in mission work, serving in the faith community, and serving in the community. Will their faith stick? Of course that remains to be seen.
But I think you might be missing something here and maybe it isn't what you mean, but it kind of sounds like your main goal of faith is to make your kids into "good" people. And while I agree we want our kids to make good choices when they leave our home. But I think the real goal is for them to trust in the Lord with all their heart, to seek justice, love mercy and walk humbly with God. Frankly they, like we, will mess up. But will they come running back into the arms of God Almighty, or will they be afraid that they don't measure up to their "religion"?
My high school daughter says we need to not "make" youth go. We have to make it something where they want to be there. I know that's a steep order for youth workers. But here is what else I learned from her. What has formed is the Holy Spirit through opportunities she has had to mentor faith in younger people, the opportunities to exercise her faith in missions that stretched her, and in the relationships she formed doing this. Also crucial to her was her small group with NON-PARENT adults who lived faith authentically before her. She also emphasized to me consistency, our consistency of connectedness to people in our faith community and how we practiced faith in our home.
I wonder if we looked at the
I wonder if we looked at the connectedness of adults in the home with the church, if we would see youth who stay connected and come to events are the same who have connected parents. I think modeling is crucial and we don't teach parents that very well.
I've raised two daughters in the church. One is in college the other a senior in high school. Both of them missed a number of youth events because of school or other activities. However, they also were both involved in mission work, serving in the faith community, and serving in the community. Will their faith stick? Of course that remains to be seen.
But I think you might be missing something here and maybe it isn't what you mean, but it kind of sounds like your main goal of faith is to make your kids into "good" people. And while I agree we want our kids to make good choices when they leave our home. But I think the real goal is for them to trust in the Lord with all their heart, to seek justice, love mercy and walk humbly with God. Frankly they, like we, will mess up. But will they come running back into the arms of God Almighty, or will they be afraid that they don't measure up to their "religion"?
My high school daughter says we need to not "make" youth go. We have to make it something where they want to be there. I know that's a steep order for youth workers. But here is what else I learned from her. What has stuck with her is the opportunities she has had to mentor faith in younger people, the opportunities to exercise her faith in missions that stretched her, and in the relationships she formed doing this. Also crucial to her was her small group with NON-PARENT adults who lived faith authentically before her.
Greg, First, I want to thank
Greg,
First, I want to thank you for you note…since I don’t know you at all you need not worry about your popularity with me [this is said in jest and should not be seen as a slight]. As a parent of two older teens, I can speak with a little authority here; while I can see some of the issues here and can concur to some degree I think there is more going on. Again, I agree that parents tend to fill out their child’s time with social activities, all in the purpose of having a well-rounded student; they have filled their time with meaningless business. In that area we are in total agreement but I must also note that not all youth groups are formatted equally. We recently moved from a very transient [military population high] area to very stable area [kids have known each other in the cradle] and it is very difficult for my older children to fit in. They are home schooled so the normal develop relationships at school does not happen. This is what I’ve noted – youth has, for the most part, de-evolved to a social outlet for the soul purpose of entertainment. The Bible study is spotty at best and most do not require a Bible – let alone crack one open. The purpose is so the “unsaved” friends can feel comfortable and accepted.
My children have been in only one youth group (AWANA) that focused on spiritual growth…although they had been in three AWANA clubs. We have searched out about 5 or 6 youth groups since moving from one state to another and have noted the deplorable immaturity of the adults in charge of several youth groups the focus on entertainment and the clicks that have become impenetrable. My daughters found that they simply weren’t worth their time. It saddens me as we were very happy with the youth group we were in and although we were unable to go to many of their special events my kids did not feel alienated from the rest of the group. This is why I feel the problem isn’t the amount of time the students spend in the group or on retreat or whatever the case may be. I believe this is a much more troubling spiritual problem that as a leader you must prayerfully consider. Are your volunteers spiritual mature? Is the youth group just a social club? Are you modeling love for all or are clicks allowed to develop and some of the children alienated?
Therefore, while I agree that most students’ lives are filled with meaningless fluff and that spiritual growth begins at home I do not agree that this is the beginning and end of the problem. My daughters experience is an example of this as since we moved I went out of my way to put them on different trips and whatnot with various youth groups so that they could develop friendships. Those friendships have only developed in our home school circle. Is this because they have more in common? Perhaps, I do know one thing it is not because they spend more time with the homeschooled kids – the opposite it true. As my children did will in North Carolina with a bunch of the students, there I wonder if it has something to do with the area. The question still remains.
Great article. The balance of
Great article.
The balance of faith and life is always difficult.
I'm a children's and youth minister and I hear every excuse from parents. I understand the balance is hard.
But, the parents seem to always choose girl scouts, soccer, and whatever else before religion... maybe I'm not hearing from the parents who do choose religion as the priority though.
I see one of the problems is that if they don't show up to soccer practice, they can't play in the game. Or the other groups have a direct consequence. While if the Church kids miss religion class, or Confirmation class there isn't a "direct" consequence we can enforce. I can't say if you miss class you can't be Confirmed because other people in leadership won't back that up.
Yes, there might be a long term consequence of not making moral decisions, but people aren't looking that far.
It's so important to partner
It's so important to partner with parents in a way that encourages them to say 'hey - I know my kid can't make the retreat because of band...so it's even more incumbent upon me to make that spiritual connection and influence with them at home.' Unfortunately, parents miss that opportunity - and we miss giving it to them.
I have had this thought
I have had this thought weekly recently. How do I as a parent and youth pastors make sure that I set the right priorities in my own life and encourage it in others. I see youth that are constantly on the go, parents totally bedraggled from keeping up the busy schedule, and so tired that the body of Christ suffers for the lack of commitment. How can we as youth pastors/parents fight against yet another new cultural norm, that is ripping families and churches apart. As a mom and a youth pastor, I want my kids/youth to become healthy balanced adults, but more importantly I want them sold out for God. Yet, how can we do that if parents don't get it... How can we get them sold out for God if they don't come or when they do come they are thinking about all the things they have to do? Unfortunately, I think another hard shift is occurring in youth ministry and all I know how to do is try my hardest to love on the kids/youth that God puts in my life.
Amen and Amen!
Amen and Amen!
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