Window to the Soul... The Power of Eye Contact

Seemingly without cause, she had run out of small group. Anger, shame, and frustration all blanketed her face. The study on who we are in Christ had pierced something deep inside.

Finding her outside, her eyes were slightly puffy as a hardened resolve took over. Approaching, I asked her one question. “Tell me who you are.” Backed against the wall her eyes were everywhere but on me. We knew each other quite well. I was not asking this young woman her name. Looking down, a quiet voice coughed out a response, “I don’t know.”

I smiled. She knew this answer. We talked about it at least five times a day. “Please look at me.” Her eyes lifted and looked over my shoulder. Although she stood at least a foot taller than me, she wanted nothing more than to avoid my gaze. She had known me long enough to know that this was not going to fly. “I need you to look me in the eye,” came my request once more. It was easy for her to just stare over my head. “Please look me in the eye and tell me who you are.” After another five minutes of rolling her eyes she FINALLY, looked me in the eye.

This is, of course, when everything began to change. As we stood there staring, I asked once more. “Who are you?” Without loosing her gaze I followed her head as she attempted once more to look away. Instead a whisper came, “I am a child of God.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t catch that,” I prodded. This time a little bit louder with a little more confidence came the response.

“I AM A CHILD OF GOD.”

My smile grew wide. “Exactly!” I exclaimed. For the next 10 minutes I would not allow this young woman to look away. When she looked down I got under her chin. All the while I filled her head with truth. I quoted Jeremiah 29:11 and Psalm 139. I reminded her for the millionth time of 1 John where it talks about how we can be sure that we are children of God. I concluded with one of my favorite verses from Isaiah 49, “Can a mother forget her nursing child? Can she feel no love for a child she has borne? But even if that were possible, I would not forget you, See, I have written your name on my hand.”

My arms were moving wildly as my voice began to squeak. By now she could not look away. I could not help the tear that welled up as I laid out the person God had created this amazing child to be. “The Lord loves you SO much that there is no way that he can forget you. He has written, engraved your name on his hand where he can look at it a million times a day.” Humiliation turned to embarrassment and finally the gleam began to shine in her eye. As we gazed at each other I concluded with, “No matter what anyone tells you, THIS is the truth.” This was the moment at which I would allow her to look away.

What had started as a teen tantrum had once again turned to a triumphant moment. This was all due to the power of the truth and eye contact. A friend of mine recently relayed a statistic from Stanford University about words spoken into the lives of children. On average in households where parents are professionals and highly educated 80% of the words spoken by parents to children are positive and 20% are negative. Their ears are filled with statements about how smart, fast, beautiful, or clever they are. In the average middle class family, where parents have some form of college education, a child will hear about 50/50 of positive and negative statements. However, in the average uneducated, family struggling financially, a child will hear negative statements 80% of the time with only 20% being filled with positive reinforcement. Therefore, these children’s ears are filled with statements from their parents like: you are dumb, slow, ugly or simply just not enough or unwanted.

The reality is we now live in a financial climate where more and more are struggling. Recently, I sat on my couch with a vibrant, on-fire-for-the-Lord young woman who is petrified that she will never be anything more than her older sister who is in jail. Worse yet, what if she is “stuck” in the projects in a job that she hates forever. Why? Because she has been told this. Her mother has told her she might as well accept that life is hard and you go nowhere.

She feels bombarded constantly with what she is not more than with who she IS. It is easy in a society that seems filled with people who have everything to become an entitled victim. The voices in their ears become the echo of their heads, which leads to a rooting of the heart. We must let them know, God does not want any of us to merely survive, he longs for us to THRIVE! I realized as this young woman and I sat looking ahead and not at each other, I needed to have her look me in the eye. The lies of the enemy can churn in your thoughts when you are looking at yourself.

There is something disarming about looking someone in the eye, especially someone who has the truth to offer. The reality is that when you are fed lies you begin to believe them. “The wicked lie in wait for the righteous, seeking their very lives.” Psalm 37:32 tells us. It is the job and responsibility of those of us who minister to these lives to bring the truth. Brick by brick this generation is building a wall around themselves. Finally, before you can even call them “grown ups,” they have shut the world in, when they believe that they are shutting it out.

Getting youth to look you in the eye is an incredibly powerful tool that should not be under estimated. In my opinion it is one of the best ways to both 1.) Diffuse a difficult situation and 2.) Change the direction of a difficult conversation to a positive, Christ focus. When you have the opportunity to speak with a youth, one on one, ask them to face you. Position yourself in such away that they are able to easily make eye contact. If you have a challenging student in a group setting remove them and place them in a situation where you are sitting or standing opposite them. Take a few moments and establish eye contact.

It may require moving beyond comfort zones to make this happen. Ask them bluntly to look you in the eye. Do not feel foolish, taking the time that is needed to make eye contact. I have spent many conversations taking the extra five or ten or more minutes just asking a student to look at me. Looking ridiculous, I've followed their gaze until we connect. Students who know me well know that I will wait to talk until we're peering eye to eye. It will and does serve for an easier talking time. Then take the time to ask the youth how they are feeling about what is going on in their hearts. If you have removed them due to discipline, ask them what was going on? When they are silent, let them know that you can’t help them if they won’t talk to you. Many times the eye contact, coupled with the care that you are taking in the moment is something that they are not used to.

Then, as you are looking at each other, SPEAK TRUTH! Quote Bible verses over them, not at them. For example, “Did you know that the Lord has a purpose and a plan for YOUR life?” Tell them what God thinks of them, think of something you like about them and speak it out. Spend this precious time breaking through with words of life, and love. This simple act can take less than five minutes and I have witnessed it soften the hardest of hearts. As you look them in the eye, something happens to you also. The Lord softens your heart and reminds you why: he has called you here for such a time as this.

I have often found myself reduced to a pile of jelly inside just by making eye contact through a troubled conversation. For as you speak truth, they feel safe. I have watched tears come from the toughest of kids. These are the instances when I have gained insight into the lives of the youth I walk with. Seeing beyond what is standing before me, I have learned the deepest parts of the soul as I begin to look through their eyes. It is true that the eyes are the windows to the soul. Remember to always approach without force or pretense. Come with tenderness and love, as you look each other in the eye. Allow the youth to see you also. They can see your true compassion at these times. They will ask you the hard questions. You will want to answer them. For those moments when we really make a connection are those moments of victory. Isn’t that what each of us is looking for?