How to Respond to an Angry Parent
You just got the call. A parent is on their way down to the church office, asking for some time with you immediately. They aren’t happy. They aren’t bringing you gift cards to the Apple Store “just to say thanks”. Your mind races with what ifs and you twitch nervously thinking about the ramifications the pending conversation will have on your job status. You quickly make sure your resume is up to date and before you realize it there’s a knock on the door. It happens, parents get angry. Sometimes it’s warranted, and sometimes it’s not. Either way...there’s the knock on the door. Here are a few thoughts to help navigate even the toughest parental conversations:
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Set the tone with prayer
You don’t need small talk – you need God’s Spirit to fill the room. A quick moment of prayer centers everyone and reminds all that we’re playing for the same team. It also typically diffuses the rehearsed opening line that might be a blasting salvo headed your way.
Make sure they are heard
This is not the time to talk. Let them share their pains, frustration or outright anger. Fight your natural defense mechanisms and let them vent. Maybe make a quick jot here or there so you can remind yourself of some important talking points or clarifications when it is your turn.
Own whatever piece of the problem was your responsibility
Usually another perspective sheds a ton of light on a situation, but too often a fired-up parent isn’t willing or ready to hear another side of the story. A good idea might be to simply own your piece of the problem and directly apologize. Once the conversation is starting to show signs of completion make sure you help it end well. If it is heading into the perpetual repeat mode, you might have to jump in and cut it off altogether.
Consider the “feel, felt, found” response:
If appropriate, the “feel, felt, found” response is often a great way to respond without letting your emotions get the best of you. It goes like this: “Mrs. Hothead, I totally understand why you would feel the way you do concerning the increased cost of camp. In fact, other parents have felt the same way. I have found that even though camp is expensive, it is one of the best investments you will ever make. And because I am convinced of that, I want to help make it affordable by allowing a payment plan.”
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Plan so it doesn’t happen again
Reassure the parent that you will do your best to prevent whatever situation ignited their anger from happening again (obviously, this reassurance varies from scenario to scenario). Make sure you share the conversation and the plan of action from here on out with your supervisor, too. Good communication from you always beats them hearing it from someone else…supervisors don’t like surprises. Unless it’s that time Josh surprised Kurt by paying for lunch (okay, that has never happened, but it sure would be a nice surprise).
Dealing with angry or disappointed parents is part of the youth ministry gig – in some ways it is a good thing: at least they cared enough about their students, faith and church and respected you enough to come talk to you directly. You would have to be a little bit sick in the head to actually look forward to such conversations, but such conversations don’t always have to make you sick in the stomach!
Conversation
I have only had one of these
I have only had one of these conversations and although it wasn't horrible, I'm not looking forward to the next. I think the only thing I would add to what you shared is making sure you follow up. I don't know about you guys, but I always have the best of intentions when it comes to individual communication, but that becomes one of the things on the back burner as I work on the next event or crisis. :) But, when a parent takes the time to come to me with an issue, I make sure to followup, ask them if they feel things are moving forward or hopefully resolved. Even if it wasn't my problem, I can still facilitate the solution.
When I saw the title of the
When I saw the title of the article this morning - "How to respond to an angry parent" - I deleted the e-mail. I've found that to be a pretty good way to deal with the angry parents. But of course, that's not "responding to" them.
Along with the things mentioned in the article, there are two other things I try to do when this situation comes up in my ministry. Both of them are closely related to two of the points that are made in the article.
The first thing for me is to not only let them be heard, but to really listen to what they are saying. And that may not be what they are saying with their words, but what is really going on that they might not be able to say. Some of the criticisms or complaints that I've gotten before have seemed silly to me, and not that big of a deal TO ME. But I have had to realize that its not me that is bringing up the issue...they are. So I need to understand that although I may not think it is a big issue, it is a big issue to them, and I need to give them the attention and respect they need.
The other thing I try to do each time goes along with accepting responsibility and is something that was taught to me by a mentor early in my ministry career. He would tell me to "listen for the kernel of truth" in whatever issue someone was bringing up. Their complaint as a whole may not have much validity in the grand scheme of things. Their criticism in the way I'm doing my ministry may not be completely accurate. But the "kernel of truth" could be that these are the ways I'm being perceived by others, and I need to respond to that perception.
When I challenge myself to really listen to the "root" of the angry parent's issue and challenge myself to hear the "kernel of truth" in criticism, it helps me grow and respond in positive ways.
What do you recommend when a
What do you recommend when a parent is angry and they don't approach you? Would you recommend reaching out? How? What if they don't attend your church?
I appreciate the article,
I appreciate the article, good advice... especially the part about owning up to our part. Genuine humility may not totally diffuse the situation, but it's the right thing regardless.
That being said, I'd encourage pastors to not shy away from the teaching opportunity presented by these scenarios.
Often, it's not the content of the complaint, but rather the tone that damages us emotionally. Sure, it's just one incident; but why do we think youth pastors bail after 2 years at a church? All this junk adds up.
Worse yet... chances are if they're doing it to us, they're doing it to others... even those who don't know Jesus.
Yes, there very well may be a real concern that needs to be addressed, but that doesn't automatically grant permission for a Christian to open up with both barrels.
Jesus gives us very real directions on how to deal with conflict in our church body. It's probably a poor use of time to suggest a one-size-fits-all response to every situation, as they're all different.
The best thing we can do is drop our defensive reactions and try to get a big picture view. With the Holy Spirit giving insight into their emotions, it's possible to form a response that doesn't merely placate, but teaches truth as well.
How you handle this conflict sets the tone for, or even wards off, the next.
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