The Parachurch Mistake

A couple of weeks ago I did something I quickly (and deeply) regretted—I took my 5th-grade daughter Lucy to a local parachurch ministry’s “get to know you” gathering for incoming middle-schoolers. A good friend whose older teenagers had plugged in to this ministry urged us to go, and recruited my daughter’s best friends and their parents to show up. Instead of thinking through this decision, I just sort of floated with the current—that’s how my wife and I ended up sitting in a circle with other parents, munching on really big cookies while our kids experienced a normal “club meeting” across the parking lot.

The ministry’s young director launched into a relaxed and engaging treatise on his organization’s mission and practice, cheered on by five sets of “all in” parent volunteers. It all sounded fantastic. But just five minutes into his talk I felt a terrible grief come over me—I couldn’t shake it. And that didn’t bode well for the 90 minutes that remained in front of me. After the evening was over and we were driving home I was still locked in turmoil. That night, the friend who’d pushed for us to go sent me an email:

“I was wondering what you thought of [the parachurch ministry], and if you think Lucy will be participating in it. If not, I'd love to hear what Lucy's plans are. [My daughter] really loved last night so I think we'll follow the route that [my older daughter] paved. She went to both church and [the parachurch ministry]. Both offer mission trips, and both offer sound messages and a chance to connect with adults who can be a good influence. Basically, [my older daughter] went to whatever group she felt drawn to over the years.”

Here is how I tried to explain my grief and regret to my friend that night:
“I thought last night was great—the kids had a blast and I liked the leaders and the parents seem very involved and they’re clearly doing something right to experience the kind of growth they have. Even so, I felt grieved the entire evening....

“[The parachurch ministry’s] mission is discipleship, according to what the leader said last night. And discipleship is essentially the goal of [my own church’s] youth ministry as well. The reason I felt grieved is that I didn’t think through the ramifications of having Lucy experience this great parachurch program when my expectation is for her to plug into and invest herself in [our church’s] middle-school ministry.

“A ‘first look’ at [our church’s] middle school ministry would’ve been a lot like what we experienced last night—and involvement in a church-based ministry is a much better long-term priority, as far as I’m concerned. The dropout rate among teenagers who graduate from high school and then wander from their faith has a direct connect to their lack of a broader connection to a church. For some, that means their church youth group operated like a church-within-a-church; for others, it means they plugged in to a parachurch ministry that went away after graduation. In either case, it’s the transitional connection to a wider body that keeps kids growing and connected to a faith community through the seasons of life.

“I know it’s not just about Lucy getting involved in a ministry—it will mean my involvement and Bev’s involvement as well. I know I can’t give myself to two different ministries—the transportation issues and even the number of nights out per week just runs counter to slowed-down family time, especially when you add middle-school homework and activities into the mix. And I would much rather Lucy plunge into and invest herself in [our church’s] middle-school ministry than try to keep her foot in both ponds.

“This was really a miss on my part, I have to say, because the [parachurch ministry’s] program looked great—I set Lucy up to disappoint her when I realized how strongly I felt about this. A parachurch ministry should exist for those kids who either have no connection to a church, or their church youth ministry is so anemic that they have to find an outside alternative. I was grieved, simply, because [our church’s] middle school ministry is one of the strongest in the church and there’s really no reason for Lucy to join an outside parachurch ministry that has the same goals and activities (small groups, missions, service, and so on). I want to invest myself as a parent in that ministry.

“I totally understand your experience with [the parachurch ministry] in the past, and the double involvement your kids have had. But, for me, going last night surfaced something huge that forced a difficult conversation with Lucy. I told her that I’m not laying down the law—I’m open to talking with her about it—but I feel a strong conviction about not involving her in what I think are “overlapping” ministries. Of course, she wants to be in a small group with her friends and it will be hard for her to not do that through [the parachurch ministry], but I know she’ll find many opportunities for fellowship and community through a small group in [our church’s] middle school ministry.”