Partnering with Your Senior Pastor

I was in my last year in seminary and was offered a job as youth minister at a dynamic church with a strong youth program. I was honored they hired me.

It wasn't long, however, before I was sorry I went there. I understood why they had such a hard time getting a new youth minister.

The biggest issue was the senior pastor. He was almost impossible to work with. His management style was to use intimidation to scare the staff into meeting heavy goals. He openly said lawyers' offices and businesses use threats and discipline to accomplish their goals, so churches should do the same. He talked down to the staff. He raised his voice at people. He was critical.

Once I walked into the church office after he'd given a thorough dressing-down to the administrative assistant. He walked out, and she said to me: "When you become a minister, don't ever be like him."

Very few of us operate at our best -- and enjoy it -- when our manager treats us that way. I couldn't get out of there soon enough. I left after eight months -- eight months that felt like an eternity.

Fortunately he was the exception rather than the rule in my ministry. The other three senior pastors I served with were supportive and encouraging and genuinely interested in the youth ministry and me personally.

Your life and ministry are much more fulfilling when your senior pastor supports you.

I've been a senior pastor, too. So I know how things look from that perspective. I've had good and bad experiences. And I've talked with dozens of colleagues who've had good and bad experiences with senior pastors. Based on those encounters, here are some tips to help your relationship with your senior pastor be successful.

1. Communicate. Talk with your senior pastor often. Be vulnerable and open about your hopes and dreams and vision for the youth ministry. Share your frustrations and difficulties. Seek input and advice.

My last senior pastor and I had monthly meetings. We called these "smoke filled room" meetings -- because we told the staff we were going to a smoke filled room to work on business. (Actually there was no smoke, but we thought that was a funny image, so we used it.)

We'd typically have lunch then meet at a private location (the local library usually) for a couple hours. We told jokes and laughed. We talked about each others' families. I helped him with some issues from my perspective, and he helped me. His openness to listen to me, the Associate Pastor in charge of Christian Education, benefited both of us. I hope your senior pastor has that posture with you.

If you don't have that kind of relationship with your senior pastor, ask for it. Explain how you think your combined ministry would benefit if the two of you teamed up more. Even if you have to initiate something like this, I bet your senior pastor would enjoy a professional relationship with someone he or she could be open and honest with.

2. Be loyal. One thing nobody should ever hear from you -- ever -- is a critical word about the senior pastor. Even at the church where my senior pastor was awful, I tried to keep my feelings to myself. When people complained about him, and they did frequently, I said, "We can respect the office if not the person in it." Looking back, I don't like that answer. It was tacit complicity with complaints against the senior pastor.

At my last church (with the smoke filled room pastor) few ever tried to complain about either of us to the other. Our response was, "You need to talk to him directly about that." And then we'd tell each other openly, giving names, that someone raised a concern. You'd be surprised how that disarms people.

A colleague of mine had been at a church only a few days when a parent of a youth and a leader in the church took him to lunch. They had a good conversation about various ministries and goals. Then she dropped this bomb: "I want you to help us get rid of the senior pastor."

To my friend's credit, he refused to go along with that. Had he gotten caught up in it, I assure you it would have been a terrible mess. Nobody wins those battles.

Regardless of whether or not you agree with the vision and direction provided by the senior pastor, assume that person has what's best for the Church in mind, and that the senior pastor wants people to grow closer to God.

Pray for your senior pastor, regardless of your relationship with him or her. And pray for grace to support the senior pastor.

3. Give direct feedback. If your senior pastor is doing something that isn't helpful, tell him or her. Nobody's going to change if they don't know there's a reason to change. We all have blind spots and faults. Be tactful and gracious, but privately -- in person -- talk to your senior pastor candidly about what you see.

The senior pastor I had the best relationship with had a habit of reading his sermons from a manuscript. I noticed how this academic style of preaching wasn't connecting with the congregation -- especially the younger adults and youth. So I told him. "Jim, I think you're a great pastor and a good preacher. I loved it in your sermon yesterday when you got off the manuscript and told the story about the little girl who wandered into your office. That was more memorable and thought-provoking than any other thing you said."

He said he hadn't planned on saying that. It just came to him while he was preaching.

I said, "Going off the manuscript and speaking face to face with us works very well."

So as a result he did that more often. I didn't belabor the point. I gave him the feedback in a positive way, and he chose what to do with it. I came to learn from his style. (And I learned some presenting techniques NOT to use.)

It might scare you to give direct honest feedback to your senior pastor, but you're in a position like few others in the church. You're more likely to know when the senior pastor is having problems at home, when he or she has been dealing with church conflict, or when he or she has reached an important milestone. Give feedback, positive and constructive, with tact.

4. Involve the Senior Pastor in the Youth Ministry. It's important for your young people to know the senior pastor is THEIR pastor, too. It's good for them to see the senior pastor as a human being who cares about them.

So invite the senior pastor to participate in youth group. He or she could lead communion or teach something he or she has expertise in. I always had the senior pastor come pray for us and send us off the morning the mission trip left. Some senior pastors love going on the trips, and if so, take advantage of it! (He or she will come to appreciate your leadership far more for one thing!) And if the senior pastor stays up late to play games and shoot the breeze with kids…they'll come to love him or her all the more.

5. Talk about the Senior Pastor in Positive Ways in Public. My last senior pastor and I loved to tease each other on Sunday mornings. He encouraged it. He'd say something during a sermon or announcement about me in a cute way, and I'd do the same about him. We openly chided each other for liking opposing baseball teams. We were never personal or mean, but we did have fun. The congregation loved it.

His birthday is December 28, and so I got into the habit of getting him a birthday present and giving it to him during worship the Sunday after Christmas. These weren't quality gifts, usually. They were of the "white elephant" variety. People looked forward to this annual tradition, and more people actually came to church that low-attendance Sunday (the lowest of the year).

I got him a singing fish one year, a construction helmet with his name on one side and "The Boss" on the other (during a building campaign), a funny Christmas ornament (that I got on sale since it was after Christmas), and all sorts of dumb stuff. The best part was the story I told about him each time. People would cheer and laugh. It was a wonderful way to humanize him, and show my support and appreciation for him. I miss it.

Yes, your senior pastor has a greater impact on your life and ministry than any other person at Church. So seek to build that relationship. Do your part to strengthen your connection with him or her, to use that person and the office to strengthen your ministry to teenagers. In the process, you'll be impacting the overall ministry of the entire Church.