When an Adult Doesn't Work Out

I've been thinking a lot about accountability lately. Do you think maybe God is trying to tell me something? It's not a lot of fun…either to be held accountable or to hold someone else accountable. But as leaders it's part of the deal.

At my second year at one church, I had to deal with an adult who almost always went on the mission trips. I knew her well, because she was my neighbor. She was nice enough, but I had a hard time imagining her as an adult leader of teenagers on our mission trip. So I quietly did a little investigating.

What I discovered confirmed my fears. She had a hard time defining boundaries. I'm not talking sexual boundaries. Her issues were with things like being able to stop talking at night so she and everyone could go to sleep, speaking with tact, and making sure she and the kids took breaks during the workday. She'd get so excited to be serving she'd push herself and the kids to the limit. And, in the process, she had a tendency to drive people crazy.

The pastor told me she was on psychotropic medication, and, "We deal with her on her good days and learn to live with her on her bad days."

I don't believe this woman posed a threat to herself or to the kids, but neither did I believe she was the stellar kind of leader with teenagers whom I could trust to be the best mentor and minister with them. I couldn't trust her ability to make good decisions. In fact, I believed I'd spend more time dealing with her than with the young people. Having been on enough mission trips to know I don't have that kind of time, I made a decision to ask this person not to participate in our youth mission trip.

It was a miserable experience.

It's much more fun to love adults and encourage them and empower them to do better. It's not at all fun to tell someone he or she shouldn't work with the youth group.

The fact that she was my neighbor, and I saw her every day, made it even more difficult.

But I did it. In my heart I believed firmly -- to this day -- the best thing for the teenagers was if this woman didn't go on the mission trip. And I believed God had given me the authority to be in that position to make those difficult calls. So I called her and talked with her. My hands shook, and I'm sure my voice wavered. I prayed for grace.

I told her I had some difficult news. I said I'd decided not to have her participate in the mission trip. Without going into painful details I said I was concerned about the kids needing sleep and needing to rest during the workday, and the reports I'd heard were clear she didn't manage that as well as we'd like. And I said other adults had coached her, and she didn't respond. I also affirmed her service to the church in many other ways, and I said perhaps an adult mission trip would be to her liking, but she wouldn't be able to go on the youth mission trip.

She cried, and I felt terrible. I ruined her day. She blamed the person who'd been there previously, but I said that it was my decision. She asked who gave me the information, and I said it wasn't appropriate to share that, but the final decision was mine.

To her credit, when I saw her at home she was fine. She never mentioned it again. She was a pro, and she didn't go blaming me or anyone else publicly. We were able to continue being friends. And she also continued to support the youth mission trips with her donations and prayers. I made a point to thank her for each of those.

I've come to appreciate in my years of youth ministry how critical good adults are in youth ministry -- especially mission trips. I've seen how ineffective adults can ruin mission trips. And since the mission trip is so vital to the faith development of our young people, I have to insist we take the very best adults we can. Train them. Love them. Support them. Coach them when necessary. Remove them if you have to.

After I let this adult go, I caught a lot of flack from other adults in my ministry. How could I do that? How could they possibly continue serving if they thought I would "fire" them? Didn't I realize how much these trips meant to this woman?

Yes, I said, I did know how much they meant to her. But, I reminded them, these trips weren't about adults, but about teenagers. I couldn't go into detail about the reasons I asked her not to participate. I said it was part of my responsibility to make sure the youth had the very best adults available to lead them on these trips.

In short: I took the heat.

Whenever I had to do something like this, I questioned my calling. I don't enjoy it. But nobody does. And sometimes you get some of the blowback for doing it. Take a friend of mine at another church for example.

My youth minister friend found out an adult on their mission trip had a secret party with the youth in the van he drove -- going swimming where everyone wore only their underwear. That adult told the youth to keep it a secret and not tell the youth minister. When the youth minister discovered this a couple months later -- by seeing photos -- he instantly removed the adult.

Most of us would agree my friend did the right thing, but there were other adults in the church who were angry that my friend removed this man. In his case, his pastor wasn't as supportive as he could have been. The adult in question caused a stir in the church and told lies about what happened and the way the youth minister responded.

But…my friend held firm. He knew, as I hope you do, too, he'd been put in a position of authority to make those tough calls. To protect the young people. And to help them grow closer to God.

So, if you have to hold an adult accountable to the point the adult can't participate in your ministry, here are a few tips to help the process.

• Investigate. Get actual data, not what people "feel" or "think." Get dates and times and specific information that can be verified. Write it down.
• Get help from supervisors or your senior pastor. Get their feedback and thoughts. Use their support.
• Keep confidentiality. It's nobody's business why you have to remove someone. If it were you, you wouldn't want everyone to know.
• When you remove an adult, be clear and direct, but be gracious. Explain why you're making the decision you're making, but point out the positives where you can.
• Keep records. If the person retaliates or responds poorly to being removed, your professionalism and record-keeping will give you a lot of credibility in a broader investigation.
• Don't be afraid to use your authority -- with grace -- to do what's right.

Don't forget to pray. It certainly doesn't feel like something Jesus would do, removing someone from ministry, but your ultimate goal is the spiritual growth and protection of teenagers.

Thanks for all you do. Even the stuff that isn't very fun.