The Youth Group vs. the Family --- Minding the Gap
9/12/2008
Unfortunately, more often than not there is a gap that exists between the life of a youth ministry and the life of the youth family. Familiar with that gap? Let me present you with two of the more common problems that families run into when it comes to the relationship between their church’s youth ministry program and their youth.
First, there is the classic lack of communication. Symptoms include: not knowing what’s going on, not knowing when things are happening, unaware of who’s in charge, or which adults will be working with or chaperoning your teenager, etc. This, no doubt, can be a very discouraging problem.
Second – another time-tested classic – the problem of competition. Oftentimes, families feel like their church’s youth program is competing against them for quality time with their youth. Usually, this is caused when youth don’t want to hang out with their families because they want to go and do something with the youth group.
This problem has two primary causes, an avoidable one and an unavoidable one. The unavoidable cause is that the youth group can be a very fun thing to be involved in. No need to apologize for that. It’s actually a really good thing for youth to want to participate in youth group activities.
The avoidable cause is when youth pastors manipulate youth by attaching “spiritual” qualities to youth events that aren’t necessarily spiritual—like a video scavenger hunt, for example. We may indirectly tell our students to “live for Jesus” by going to a video scavenger hunt. That’s not the right approach. When a family needs to spend quality time together, then by all means, spend that time together—even if it means that your youth will have to miss a youth activity.
If, however, the activity in question is something like a Bible study or a small group or some opportunity for ministry, then there really is a spiritual quality attached to it. In this case, parents should probably use more discretion when deciding not to allow their students to attend.
Either way, when it comes to the youth group vs. the family, the family should win every time because the family (and not the youth group) is the God-ordained institution responsible for bringing up youth in the fear and admonition of the Lord. The youth group, on the other hand, is simply here to help.
So what’s the answer to these and other related problems? A successful parent ministry! Parents need to know that you care about their families – the whole family, not just the youth. When they see that you care enough about their family to include them in the loop that is your youth ministry, that’s when you’ve got a successful parent ministry.
How does this happen? First off, you need some sort of parent newsletter, or bulletin board, or email chain, or something that serves as the common denominator of communication between the youth group and the youth family. It needs to be something consistent, something that the families can count. And more than anything else, it needs to include a monthly calendar of planned events, activities, and services.
Secondly, you need to understand and convey to your youth families that the biblical portrait of discipleship takes place primarily within the home – not the fancy, high-tech, high-energy youth room. When parents hear you say this and mean it they will be surprised. Trust me. I remember the first time I had a conversation with a parent about the fact that it was totally fine that their son was going to miss a lock-in because their family was going camping for the holiday weekend. I said that it was great that they were spending time together. He looked at me like a deer staring into an oncoming car’s headlights. His response – besides being flabbergasted – was pure appreciation.
These are just a couple of tips on parent ministry. The most important thing is that you be a youth minister that does youth ministry with the youth families in mind. The life of a youth's family needs to be a major factor and consideration in nearly everything we do.
First, there is the classic lack of communication. Symptoms include: not knowing what’s going on, not knowing when things are happening, unaware of who’s in charge, or which adults will be working with or chaperoning your teenager, etc. This, no doubt, can be a very discouraging problem.
Second – another time-tested classic – the problem of competition. Oftentimes, families feel like their church’s youth program is competing against them for quality time with their youth. Usually, this is caused when youth don’t want to hang out with their families because they want to go and do something with the youth group.
This problem has two primary causes, an avoidable one and an unavoidable one. The unavoidable cause is that the youth group can be a very fun thing to be involved in. No need to apologize for that. It’s actually a really good thing for youth to want to participate in youth group activities.
The avoidable cause is when youth pastors manipulate youth by attaching “spiritual” qualities to youth events that aren’t necessarily spiritual—like a video scavenger hunt, for example. We may indirectly tell our students to “live for Jesus” by going to a video scavenger hunt. That’s not the right approach. When a family needs to spend quality time together, then by all means, spend that time together—even if it means that your youth will have to miss a youth activity.
If, however, the activity in question is something like a Bible study or a small group or some opportunity for ministry, then there really is a spiritual quality attached to it. In this case, parents should probably use more discretion when deciding not to allow their students to attend.
Either way, when it comes to the youth group vs. the family, the family should win every time because the family (and not the youth group) is the God-ordained institution responsible for bringing up youth in the fear and admonition of the Lord. The youth group, on the other hand, is simply here to help.
So what’s the answer to these and other related problems? A successful parent ministry! Parents need to know that you care about their families – the whole family, not just the youth. When they see that you care enough about their family to include them in the loop that is your youth ministry, that’s when you’ve got a successful parent ministry.
How does this happen? First off, you need some sort of parent newsletter, or bulletin board, or email chain, or something that serves as the common denominator of communication between the youth group and the youth family. It needs to be something consistent, something that the families can count. And more than anything else, it needs to include a monthly calendar of planned events, activities, and services.
Secondly, you need to understand and convey to your youth families that the biblical portrait of discipleship takes place primarily within the home – not the fancy, high-tech, high-energy youth room. When parents hear you say this and mean it they will be surprised. Trust me. I remember the first time I had a conversation with a parent about the fact that it was totally fine that their son was going to miss a lock-in because their family was going camping for the holiday weekend. I said that it was great that they were spending time together. He looked at me like a deer staring into an oncoming car’s headlights. His response – besides being flabbergasted – was pure appreciation.
These are just a couple of tips on parent ministry. The most important thing is that you be a youth minister that does youth ministry with the youth families in mind. The life of a youth's family needs to be a major factor and consideration in nearly everything we do.
Youth Ministry “Don'ts”
Youth Ministry “Don'ts”
Youth Ministry “Don'ts”